the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
