proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
