Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
we're so committed to being not committed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
