I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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