I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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