my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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