Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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