I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Randomize
