so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
