Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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