It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
