pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
