everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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