In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
