My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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