I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
