I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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