She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
