$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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