Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
