Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
