I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
