My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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