I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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