When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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