I faked an abortion last night.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
