okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
