Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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