He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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