i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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