can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
