nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
