The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
