I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
