I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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