I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
