Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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