Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
