Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
