I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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