I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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