When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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