Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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