I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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