I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
