Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i out mim tonsoeep
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