We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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