Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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