Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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