turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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