Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
